Aelred of
Rievaulx
Extracts from 'On
Spiritual Friendship'
When I was still a
boy in the schools and being liked by my companions was my chief
delight, among the tendencies and frailties which are the
particular temptations of that age, the pursuit of love and
affection occupied my entire mind. There was in my eyes no greater
pleasure, no keener joy, nothing more beneficial than loving and
being loved. And as I see-sawed between various loves and
friendships, my spirit was swept this way and that, and, knowing
nothing of the law of true friendship, was often deceived by its
simulacrum.
At last there came
into my hands the book that Cicero wrote on friendship, which
charmed me doubly by the weight of its argument and the grace of
its style. And although I did not see myself as fit for that kind
of friendship, I was none the less thankful to have met with a
certain rule on which I might pattern my wandering loves and
affections. When it pleased my good Lord to bring back the
wanderer, to raise the fallen and to cleanse the leper by his
healing touch, I abandoned worldly aspirations and entered the
cloister. At once I devoted myself to the study of the Scriptures,
the mere surface of which had been more than my bleary eyes could
previously encompass, used as they were to the murk in which I
lived. As my taste for Scripture grew, and the scraps of knowledge
that the world had given me staled in comparison, I found myself
thinking of what I had read in Cicero's book and was amazed to find
that it no longer held the same savour for me. By then nothing that
was not imbued with the sweetness of Jesus, nothing that not
seasoned with the salt of Scripture could wholly capture my
affection.
So as I turned
Cicero's arguments over in my mind, I was looking to see if they
might perhaps be supported by the authority of Scripture. I had
read a lot about friendship too in the writings of the Fathers,
and, finding myself incapable of loving spiritually as I wished, I
resolved to write about spiritual friendship and prescribe for
myself rules of chaste and holy love. I have therefore divided this
little work into three books: in the first setting out the nature
of friendship, its origin and cause; in the second putting forward
its merits and the benefits to be derived from it; in the last
elucidating as best I can how, and between whom, it may be
preserved unbroken to the end. If anyone should profit by reading
it, let him give thanks to God and entreat Christ's mercy for my
sins; and, if he should judge it to be unnecessary or useless, may
he have compassion on my plight, which has forced me to interrupt
my thoughts on this subject with practical concerns.
Since it is certain
that many are deceived by the semblance of friendship, I wish you
would explain what sort of friendships we should avoid, and which
we should seek, foster and conserve. Very well, I shall
briefly list those we ought to shun. First, the adolescent
friendship, the product of roving and undisciplined feelings, which
stretch out their tentacles towards every passer-by; a friendship
without reason, weight or measure, that takes no account of others'
good or detriment. This kind of love affects one very powerfully
for a time, it captivates and flatters. But affection devoid of
rationality is an animal impulse leading to all that is unlawful;
indeed it is incapable of distinguishing between what is and is not
lawful. Although affection often precedes friendship, one should
never give rein to it unless it is led by reason, tempered by
integrity and ruled by righteousness. Therefore the friendship we
referred to as adolescent - because in youth feelings predominate
and relationships are always unstable, wavering in their loyalty
and with an admixture of sensuality - such friendship is to be
avoided at all costs by those who are drawn to the sweetness of
spiritual friendship.
